The Sheepcat

Clarifying a Catholic Pastoral Approach to Same-Sex Attraction

While I love being Mrs Sheepcat, being married to a husband with such an unusual background means taking on some unpleasant social and spiritual consequences. After all, the Sheepcat is a triple minority: he has experienced same-sex attraction (and continues to experience some); he's chosen chastity; and now he's happily married.

I don't, of course, mean to compare the pain and misunderstanding I've experienced to that endured by people with SSA and their loved ones, especially those who are pursuing chastity. And suffering in one's own life often points one to ways of serving others. Many members of Courage have survived bullying and isolation, and not just in the ways popularly portrayed. Even so, some become spiritual giants who have a lot to teach those like me who don't personally struggle with SSA. I'm not just a witness to the testimonies I've seen, I'm an ad-hoc ambassadress to those outside Courage/‌‌EnCourage who need to understand better how the Church can respond.

In my capacity as co-facilitator of EnCourage Toronto, I respond in the May edition of The Interim to an April letter-writer who misunderstood the purpose of Courage. (The Interim is Canada's life and family newspaper. If you or your parish don't already receive it, please consider subscribing. You can see most of the monthly past content of The Interim and its associated regular blog, Soconvivium, but letters appear only in the print edition.)

A well-meaning letter-writer suggested referring a young same-sex-attracted friend to Courage, to "help him reconnect with an attraction to the opposite sex and experience the rich rewards it is blessed with."

Please allow me to clarify two popular misapprehensions about Courage, a Catholic apostolate endorsed by the Pontifical Council for Life and the Family. Courage ministers to persons with same-sex attraction – and through EnCourage, to their loved ones. The Courage approach is rooted in our Catechism and carefully distinguishes between the person, inclination, and act. (If you're a non-Catholic reader, please bear with me. Any fair historian of Christian pastoral responses to SSA would acknowledge that, in general, other groups upholding traditional sexual morality have been improving their care of souls by moving in Courage's direction.)

First: if "Gordy" is a minor, he isn't eligible for an adult support group. His experience of SSA might be transient or deep-seated, and he would benefit instead from confidential assistance as he considers the question. But he and his family, school, lay group, or parish would be welcome to request spiritual direction, counselling referrals, and approved speakers through the local Courage chaplain.

Second: I'm the delighted wife of a well-known former gay activist and current Courage member. It's often easier for a married member to give public testimony, so if you're outside the Courage/EnCourage environment, you may be hearing stories like ours more frequently. However, the majority of Courage members are single and likely to stay so. They deserve the same gratitude and respect we show others who are celibate for the sake of the kingdom. They need well-informed support from the pro-life and pro-family movements.

Presuming a one-size-fits-all narrative of change could be deeply hurtful and disrupt a private discernment process. Please see couragerc.net to learn about the five goals of Courage: chastity, prayer and dedication, fellowship, support, and service as a role model. The first is for members "to live chaste lives in accordance with the Roman Catholic Church's teaching on homosexuality." Indeed, all of us are called to chastity, whether that is realized in marriage or in celibacy. Members seeking to explore heterosexual attraction are supported, just as are members who heroically struggle with ongoing SSA.

If you're eligible, please consider joining a support or reparational prayer group; participating in a retreat, sports camp, or ListServ; or attending our conference in Emmitsburg, MD this July 19 to 22. If your area has no group, please contact the central office at 203-803-1564 about getting started. And if you're not eligible but would like to learn more, please browse the website's numerous text, audio, and video resources.

Courage members start with surrendering to God, and they leave the outcome to Him.

The Sheepcat tells his story because he's grateful to God, and he wants to be like the leper who went back and thanked God. He was already doing a great job testifying as a single man. Since we got engaged in 2008, I've joined him in speaking out about same-sex attraction. We hope that our particular story may give inspiration to others, but we don't want it used as a template imposed on others.

I've noticed that the Sheepcat's testimony as a celibate-man-with-SSA was more interesting to some audiences, and his testimony as a married-man-who-continues-to-have-a-degree-of-SSA is more interesting to other audiences. Why that is the case is worthy of discussion in the Church. In any case, we're a happily married couple and our marriage is now part of the Sheepcat's story. That doesn't mean that anyone should expect that marriage is the only happy ending for people with SSA – far from it. We're the Church that celebrates celibacy, so we need to love and respect and support all our singles. For parents to force children in their state of life is a violation of the Fourth Commandment;¹ and it likewise follows that anyone else pressuring someone in that area would infringe upon individual conscience and freedoms.

Source

My husband and I will accept a speaking engagement only after making clear to the prospective host that we're not offering a program with the goal of getting everybody with SSA "fixed" so they can be married. And that's never been a problem yet. But given the lingering influence of programs that do seem to have that goal, or once did, it seems there's a lot of work left to do to clarify the Catholic pastoral approach, so we'll be even more explicit in future. That we love being married doesn't mean that anybody, anywhere should ever be pressured into marriage.

1 I've loved this particular Examination of Conscience for about as long as I've regularly used the Internet. One small caveat: three times (twice in the text and once in a handy definition footnote), the document used a word then unfamiliar to me, "froward," which (cough!) I badly needed to learn. Anyway, at some point since I started visiting the page, an overzealous webmaster or some impertinent software "corrected" the word to read "forward." So far, I haven't been successful in trying to let the author know. It's still a great resource.

felix hominum, RIP

A long-time friend of this blog's, the Anglican priest Joseph Walker, a.k.a. felix hominum, has passed away. He led a pilgrimage this spring to Turkey and the Greek island of Patmos, so we were shocked to learn several weeks ago that he was gravely ill.

I appreciated Joseph's great love for children, especially his passionate defence of the lives and dignity of those, born and unborn, with genetic abnormalities. And almost anyone with siblings or children will be able to relate to his light-hearted "Liturgy for the Blessing of a Mini Van."

He had much to say about marriage and the struggles within the Anglican Church of Canada. I enjoyed his mischievous pokes at the church's bureaucracy, sometimes through the persona of  the Venerable Eustace Smithley-Jones. and at its highly selective invocation of tradition. He told me many people sent the latter link around, though few were bold enough to acknowledge it publicly.

He and I shared a few pints in the course of my visits to Edmonton. In our amiable sparring over Catholicism, for which he had a healthy respect, I was a little awed by his historical and philosophical learning. 

Joseph greatly admired Dante's Purgatorio, on which he wrote a series of Lenten reflections. May any actual experience of purgatory for him be brief, and may he swiftly come to see the Beatific Vision. Eternal rest grant unto him, O Lord, and let perpetual light shine upon him.

Update (20 August): Please see the obituary and a series of memorial reflections by Joseph's good friend Tim Chesterton.

Thanksgiving

On this Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, we thank God for our marriage and all the other blessings in our lives.

We've been meaning to reply to a few comments that readers posted here on the blog the some months ago or shared with us in person, but since June we've been providing care to a much-loved family member who's been in hospital with a serious illness. Please be patient and know that you're in our prayers. As ever, we ask for yours.

Mrs Sheepcat Officially Joins the Blog

Several major pro-life publications have carried the work of the former Miss Blanche the Davidian under her real maiden name, and she has already written a guest post here under her "maiden alias." By the time Mrs Sheepcat and I met, she had been interested in Catholic perspectives on homosexuality, this blog's primary theme, for more than a decade. And we do a lot together, perhaps more than many couples. So we decided a while ago that she should become a joint author of the blog.

We updated the tagline accordingly – "Catholic commentary by a former gay activist and his wife" – and hope to freshen up the blog in various ways over the coming weeks.

Mrs Sheepcat has a few posts in the pipeline, but her health has not been very good lately. She has major surgery scheduled for next month. We ask for your prayers.

The Holy Family, Icon and Model of Every Human Family

Mrs Sheepcat and I wish you a happy Feast of the Holy Family.

This day is extra-special to us because our parish is Holy Family Church, and we applied the theme to our wedding. After we signed the register, we consecrated our marriage to the Holy Family with the following prayer and left the bridal bouquet for Our Lady at the icon.

Photo by Greg Schilhab.

O Jesus, our most loving Redeemer, who having come to enlighten the world with Thy teaching and example, didst will to pass the greater part of Thy life in humility and subjection to Mary and Joseph in the poor home of Nazareth, thus sanctifying the Family that was to be an example for all Christian families, graciously receive our family as it dedicates and consecrates itself to Thee this day.

Do Thou protect us, guard us and establish amongst us Thy holy fear, true peace and concord in Christian love: in order that by living according to the divine pattern of Thy family we may be able,
all of us without exception, to attain to eternal happiness.

Mary, dear Mother of Jesus and Mother of us, by thy kindly intercession make this our humble offering acceptable in the sight of Jesus, and obtain for us His graces and blessings.

O Saint Joseph, most holy Guardian of Jesus and Mary, help us by thy prayers in all our spiritual and temporal needs; that so we may be enabled to praise our divine Savior Jesus, together with Mary and thee, for all eternity.

(Recite the Our Father, Hail Mary and Glory Be 3 times.)

Amen.

Through prayer cards based on this image and quotation, we asked our guests to pray for us. We ask for your prayers and assure you of ours.

The Holy Family is the beginning of countless other holy families.

The history of mankind, the history of salvation, passes by way of the family. The family is placed at the center of the great struggle between good and evil, between life and death, between love and all that is opposed to love. To the family is entrusted the task of striving to unleash the forces of good, the source of which is found in Christ ... so that their family will be strong with the strength of God.

I speak to all people of our day, so that they will come to appreciate the grandeur of marriage, family and life; so that they will come to appreciate the great danger which follows when these realities are not respected, or when the supreme values which lie at the foundation of the family and of human dignity are disregarded.

May the Holy Family, icon and model of every human family, help each family unit to grow in understanding of its particular mission in society and the Church. May Mary and Joseph accompany us all with their constant protection.

With these sentiments I bless every family in the name of the Most Holy Trinity: Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Pope John Paul II
from Letter to Families, 1994

Our Wedding Day

We're married, thanks be to God!

What a difference from the despair I knew when my parents prayed for me to abandon a gay lifestyle. Those days seem like a lifetime ago or another world.

Meanwhile, the time since I proposed to Theresa has flown by.

We had a beautiful nuptial Mass at Holy Family Church at 11:15 a.m. on Saturday, July 18. Here I accept my wedding band from my beautiful bride.

We shed some happy tears as we walked back down the aisle as husband and wife.
Photos by Greg Schilhab.

We have been tremendously blessed by the generosity of our friends and family. Especially we are grateful for everyone's prayers for us.

Welcome, visitors from Deborah Gyapong.

Miss (for now) Blanche Breathes In and Out Slowly

So, the Big Day is fast approaching. The prayers are ongoing, the outfits and meals are being readied, and the banns are being read. The groom has a glowy grin as he gazes at the now-customized rings. A few people have remarked that I look radiant, but the last one was shocked that I didn't seem anxious. Moi?

Um. From time to time as we've been planning our wedding, we have needed--okay, at least one of us has needed--a dose of perspective. This is a time of growth, and our merciful God provides the necessary lessons.

First, all this coordination can be stressful, but then, so too was the singles scene; and at least our current stress is meaningful. As The Sheepcat noted, some of the guys I dated weren't good for me. And hey, same for him! I'm thrilled that The Sheepcat is the only man I need ever date again.

Second, we've had several sick and dying loved ones. The Sheepcat mentioned some of them in a previous post. When significant invitees are either feeling too poorly to attend, or have departed this life during the engagement period, the long view comes pretty fast. 

Third, it's helped to poke fun at The Wedding Industrial Complex. Certain vendors seem to sell the idea that each marrying couple is producing its own mandatory gala-of-a-lifetime to top the Oscars. Perhaps in this era of serial monogamy and cohabitation, the wedding night no longer feels special to most couples, so a compulsion emerges to be more and more extravagant with the guests.

The Sheepcat and I do appreciate fine liturgy, food, and music; but we're ultimately preparing to receive a sacrament. The opportunity to dine with guests after the Mass is a bonus. We have truly appreciated the generosity of our family and friends; the wise counsel of those responsible for our formation and those whose advice we have sought; and especially the prayers of hundreds of supporters. And while there is no one day when we would ever be able to assemble everyone we'd prefer to have with us--this being earth, a place of finitude--we are looking forward to the presence of our wedding party and guests as we exchange our consents before God.

When we attended our one and only bridal expo, I was even more disturbed than I expected by the atmosphere of materialism, instant gratification, and lack of attention to the enduring marital relationship; and not least because these tendencies are antithetical to the Courageous life in which I'm trying to support The Sheepcat. I concluded that I was more grateful than ever for all the gifts that we already have, not least the absolute luxury of substantial daily prayer together. I later turned the show lanyard identifying me as a bride into a keychain holder, and its "I SAID YES!" tag into a topper for a anniversary card I made with Japanese paper. Other than these items--which were actually worth our $30 admission price--we haven't used any of the expo vendors' ideas.  We chalked the event up to experience and turned it into a running joke.

The Sheepcat was immediately clear that he isn't a chair-cover kind of guy. Not a problem. We aren't too worried about being matchy-matchy (honestly, local readers, even though we continually show up in co-ordinated outfits, we've never actually planned this). Since we're combining two adequate kitchens already (yes, dear readers, we're older than we look), we're not even registered with a store. In our subsequent travels, I noted a few other superfluous offerings, according to the chronology of a wedding day. When I say superfluous, I'm referring to our own wedding; if these things float your boat, please tell us about them in the combox.

So here are Ten More Bridal Expo Things I've Assured The Sheepcat I Don't Need:

• posed photos of the bride dressing from inside-out
• a garter (enough said)
• hookerwear on my bridesmaids
• a dove or butterfly release
• transportation by horse-drawn carriage--or hall entry by motorcycle
• an ice sculpture
• a chocolate/vanilla/strawberry-flavoured fountain
• bobble-head cake toppers and wedding party gifts
• bomboniere engraved with Sopranos, Maple Leafs, or Ferrari themes
• fireworks (well, at least of the visible persuasion!)

Summing up our findings with our dear, brilliant limo driver (the limo is used, and it's the family car, because that's the cheapest option he's found for conveying his growing family), we were given this piece of wisdom: The wedding day is very special indeed, but the notion that it's The Best Day of Your Life is incorrect. "Know why? Because the next day, you wake up together, and you're married. And the day after that, you're married." And so on, till death do us part. Amen to that. 

Two Funerals and a Wedding

Yesterday we held the funeral for my uncle Roly, who was full of energy until the last of his 86 years. A few days earlier, Miss Blanche and I attended the funeral for someone else in our circle. (And, had we been able to bilocate, we might have tried to get to a third funeral, for a friend's father.) So it's been a heavy time. We ask for your prayers for the repose of the souls of the faithful departed, and for all of us who are in mourning.

Roly was an avid sailor throughout his adult life, so the readings and hymns had a nautical theme. "They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep..." (Psalm 107:23-30). "And [Jesus] awoke and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, 'Peace! Be still!'" (Mark 4:35-41). At a family gathering last night, my mother recalled that when her brother was about 7, this gospel passage was to have been read by another child, who didn't show up in time, so he was asked to fill in at the last minute. Little Roly read with remarkable poise, only he pronounced the unfamiliar word as "rebucked."

Miss Blanche and I are way behind schedule with our wedding preparations, what with my move to the apartment that will be our shared home, and a bad cold, and this and that. We're trying to rein in our anxiety about the big day. Funerals, sad as they are, have helped remind us of the long view. So did last Wednesday's celebration of the 70th anniversary of the ordination of Monsignor Vincent Foy, a steadfast proponent of the culture of life and the foremost critic of the Canadian bishops' 1968 Winnipeg Statement. Through his experience as a parish priest and as the former head of Toronto's archdiocesan marriage tribunal, Msgr Foy has seen over and over again how contraception contributes to the breakdown of marriages. We wish all couples could hear what we learned about contraception during our marriage prep classes.

Last Wednesday was also the 65th anniversary of the ordination of Fr John Harvey, the founder of Courage--and the feast day of the Ugandan martyrs, who are Courage's patron saints. Msgr Foy is apparently a big fan of Fr Harvey, and we're fans of both.

Such are my scattered thoughts at the moment.

Blessed Apparition of Saint Michael Day

Update: Welcome, readers from Catholic and Enjoying It! and Post-Darwinist and (a new one to me) Iliocentrism. Don't miss our engagement story--pretty remarkable for a guy who used to want to marry his boyfriend.

A guest post by Miss (for now) Blanche, M.I.

Four years ago this Sunday, May 10, The Sheepcat got started here with his new Web adventure. Since then he has experienced some rather significant changes.

Along the way he has continued to enrich the lives of his numerous readers, both local and international. I should know, because when he introduced himself online, I was able to learn plenty of good things about The Sheepcat before I replied. Subsequently I have learned countless more good things about The Sheepcat (not least that he's even better-looking in person, girls!), and I very much look forward to being his wife.

For as long as I've known The Sheepcat, we have shared a devotion to Saint Michael, for whose intercession we pray when passing by psychic shops. We know of two that closed on The Sheepcat's watch, one that closed on mine, and two more since we began dating and praying together daily – a total of five psychic shops closed to date following our prayers to the Prince of the Heavenly Host. In thanksgiving to God we are having a Mass offered at 5:30 this afternoon at Holy Family Church.

While we chose this date for its liturgical significance, we honour Saint Michael every day. We invoke him as our protector in spiritual battle and as the patron of our city.

This date also comes after The Sheepcat recorded 50,000 page views.

We would like readers to know that this blog is a gift to the Church, and that we pray for your intentions daily. On a personal note, May 8 happens to be the six-month anniversary of the pub night after he and I had The Conversation. We have been so blessed to experience a courtship within a community fostered by the Oratorian Fathers.

If you booked your spot for tonight's Sheepfold dinner, get ready for a great meal and some beautiful fellowship at our new headquarters. If you aren't joining us tonight, please save the date to celebrate the patron saint of The Sheepcat, Cardinal Cooke, with dessert on October 6, 2009. Again, please respond through the blog e-mail. And, whether or not we can meet in person, please use the comments section below for your shout-outs. Happy Anniversary, Sheepcat!

A Changed Heart, Part 3

In Part 2, I recalled my former opposition to any attempt to change someone's homosexual orientation, and then my own emerging heterosexual desires, leading up to the pub night with Theresa, the only woman I've ever dated.

Seeking advice and support once she and I had had The Conversation, I turned to several male friends of mine from the Zacchaeus Fellowship who had left a gay lifestyle and gotten married.

You are familiar with some of the ground on which I'm treading, haltingly, sometimes anxiously and sometimes with that sense of being truly at ease in the company of a special someone. I feel a lot like an awkward teenager.