The Sheepcat

Our Wedding Day

We're married, thanks be to God!

What a difference from the despair I knew when my parents prayed for me to abandon a gay lifestyle. Those days seem like a lifetime ago or another world.

Meanwhile, the time since I proposed to Theresa has flown by.

We had a beautiful nuptial Mass at Holy Family Church at 11:15 a.m. on Saturday, July 18. Here I accept my wedding band from my beautiful bride.

We shed some happy tears as we walked back down the aisle as husband and wife.
Photos by Greg Schilhab.

We have been tremendously blessed by the generosity of our friends and family. Especially we are grateful for everyone's prayers for us.

Welcome, visitors from Deborah Gyapong.

Miss (for now) Blanche Breathes In and Out Slowly

So, the Big Day is fast approaching. The prayers are ongoing, the outfits and meals are being readied, and the banns are being read. The groom has a glowy grin as he gazes at the now-customized rings. A few people have remarked that I look radiant, but the last one was shocked that I didn't seem anxious. Moi?

Um. From time to time as we've been planning our wedding, we have needed--okay, at least one of us has needed--a dose of perspective. This is a time of growth, and our merciful God provides the necessary lessons.

First, all this coordination can be stressful, but then, so too was the singles scene; and at least our current stress is meaningful. As The Sheepcat noted, some of the guys I dated weren't good for me. And hey, same for him! I'm thrilled that The Sheepcat is the only man I need ever date again.

Second, we've had several sick and dying loved ones. The Sheepcat mentioned some of them in a previous post. When significant invitees are either feeling too poorly to attend, or have departed this life during the engagement period, the long view comes pretty fast. 

Third, it's helped to poke fun at The Wedding Industrial Complex. Certain vendors seem to sell the idea that each marrying couple is producing its own mandatory gala-of-a-lifetime to top the Oscars. Perhaps in this era of serial monogamy and cohabitation, the wedding night no longer feels special to most couples, so a compulsion emerges to be more and more extravagant with the guests.

The Sheepcat and I do appreciate fine liturgy, food, and music; but we're ultimately preparing to receive a sacrament. The opportunity to dine with guests after the Mass is a bonus. We have truly appreciated the generosity of our family and friends; the wise counsel of those responsible for our formation and those whose advice we have sought; and especially the prayers of hundreds of supporters. And while there is no one day when we would ever be able to assemble everyone we'd prefer to have with us--this being earth, a place of finitude--we are looking forward to the presence of our wedding party and guests as we exchange our consents before God.

When we attended our one and only bridal expo, I was even more disturbed than I expected by the atmosphere of materialism, instant gratification, and lack of attention to the enduring marital relationship; and not least because these tendencies are antithetical to the Courageous life in which I'm trying to support The Sheepcat. I concluded that I was more grateful than ever for all the gifts that we already have, not least the absolute luxury of substantial daily prayer together. I later turned the show lanyard identifying me as a bride into a keychain holder, and its "I SAID YES!" tag into a topper for a anniversary card I made with Japanese paper. Other than these items--which were actually worth our $30 admission price--we haven't used any of the expo vendors' ideas.  We chalked the event up to experience and turned it into a running joke.

The Sheepcat was immediately clear that he isn't a chair-cover kind of guy. Not a problem. We aren't too worried about being matchy-matchy (honestly, local readers, even though we continually show up in co-ordinated outfits, we've never actually planned this). Since we're combining two adequate kitchens already (yes, dear readers, we're older than we look), we're not even registered with a store. In our subsequent travels, I noted a few other superfluous offerings, according to the chronology of a wedding day. When I say superfluous, I'm referring to our own wedding; if these things float your boat, please tell us about them in the combox.

So here are Ten More Bridal Expo Things I've Assured The Sheepcat I Don't Need:

• posed photos of the bride dressing from inside-out
• a garter (enough said)
• hookerwear on my bridesmaids
• a dove or butterfly release
• transportation by horse-drawn carriage--or hall entry by motorcycle
• an ice sculpture
• a chocolate/vanilla/strawberry-flavoured fountain
• bobble-head cake toppers and wedding party gifts
• bomboniere engraved with Sopranos, Maple Leafs, or Ferrari themes
• fireworks (well, at least of the visible persuasion!)

Summing up our findings with our dear, brilliant limo driver (the limo is used, and it's the family car, because that's the cheapest option he's found for conveying his growing family), we were given this piece of wisdom: The wedding day is very special indeed, but the notion that it's The Best Day of Your Life is incorrect. "Know why? Because the next day, you wake up together, and you're married. And the day after that, you're married." And so on, till death do us part. Amen to that. 

Bridging the Gap Synchroblog: Think With The Church

New Direction Ministries asks how the church can "reach across the divide and build bridges" to people in the gay community. A synchroblog on the theme, timed to coincide with Toronto's Pride Week, began yesterday.

I'm a late arrival and will try to keep things brief, as I'm busy getting ready to get married in a few weeks' time!

Ever since I returned to Christianity in 1998, I've struggled with questions of how to interact with the gay community and my old (and new) friends in it. The need for discernment became all the more evident when I concluded in the spring of 2000 that gay sex was a serious sin under every circumstance and that I couldn't ever go back to it, nor could I condone others' participation in it.

I've wanted both to follow Christ without reserve and not to lose whatever was genuinely good in my relationships with friends who identify as gay--especially those men with whom I'd been sexually involved, for whom I feel a special responsibility. I've kept in touch regularly with some of them, drifted away from many, and, painfully, become estranged from a few.

The main idea I'd offer is that we need to think with the Church. This isn't at all to rule out the creative ferment of new ways of handling the issue just because they're new and "we've never done it that way." Indeed not.

But sexuality is such a powerful force, with potential for great good or great evil, that we need to remain firmly anchored in the tradition handed down from the Apostles. I don't mean just that we ourselves will be sexually tempted, but that whenever we walk with people in friendship, there will be temptations to bend our own values to theirs--and temptations too, for the more scrupulously inclined, to selfishly back away from opportunities to reach out in hospitality, perhaps for fear that a kind act might be misinterpreted by our potential guests, or by bystanders poised to cluck their tongues disapprovingly.

How do we navigate the shoals? I'll say that I've found it helpful beyond measure that I now belong to the Catholic Church, where the dignity of all people regardless of sexuality and the intrinsic evil of homosexual acts are simultaneously held as official doctrine (CCC 2357-2358). It is so difficult, yes, unnecessarily difficult and error-prone (not that I've always gotten things right since I came into full communion with the Church), to try to work these things out on one's own. The saints before us have grappled with similar, if not necessarily identical, problems. They have things to teach us, lessons in humility and patience and courage. Such lessons will serve us well no matter which culture war happens to confront us at the moment.

I used to be terribly troubled by St Paul's admonition "Do not even eat with such a one" (1 Corinthians 5:11), referring to Christians who are "guilty of immorality." I wanted so badly to do the right thing, out of reverence and love for the One who had redeemed me, and yet what was the right thing? Well, I'm satisfied now that there's nothing intrinsically wrong with my having brunch with this or the other friend.

There are philosophical tools, as I pointed out last year at Bridging the Gap, for helping us sort out what we can and should do to reach out to our gay neighbours without becoming implicated in things that do not deserve our support.

Anyway, I know full well I can't support all the ideas that are being put forward this week, but I applaud the effort.

All right, now where did I put that caterer's phone number?

Tag-Team Spiritual Battle Enters Round Two

Bad news. I went by the site of one of the psychic shops whose closure we celebrated several months ago, and there was a new set of signs up in the window for another psychic. Time to redouble those prayers to St Michael.

St. Michael the Archangel, defend us in battle; be our protection against the wickedness and snares of the devil. May God rebuke him, we humbly pray, and do thou, O prince of the heavenly host, by the power of God, thrust down into hell Satan and all the other evil spirits who wander through the world seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

Two Funerals and a Wedding

Yesterday we held the funeral for my uncle Roly, who was full of energy until the last of his 86 years. A few days earlier, Miss Blanche and I attended the funeral for someone else in our circle. (And, had we been able to bilocate, we might have tried to get to a third funeral, for a friend's father.) So it's been a heavy time. We ask for your prayers for the repose of the souls of the faithful departed, and for all of us who are in mourning.

Roly was an avid sailor throughout his adult life, so the readings and hymns had a nautical theme. "They that go down to the sea in ships, that do business in great waters; These see the works of the LORD, and his wonders in the deep..." (Psalm 107:23-30). "And [Jesus] awoke and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, 'Peace! Be still!'" (Mark 4:35-41). At a family gathering last night, my mother recalled that when her brother was about 7, this gospel passage was to have been read by another child, who didn't show up in time, so he was asked to fill in at the last minute. Little Roly read with remarkable poise, only he pronounced the unfamiliar word as "rebucked."

Miss Blanche and I are way behind schedule with our wedding preparations, what with my move to the apartment that will be our shared home, and a bad cold, and this and that. We're trying to rein in our anxiety about the big day. Funerals, sad as they are, have helped remind us of the long view. So did last Wednesday's celebration of the 70th anniversary of the ordination of Monsignor Vincent Foy, a steadfast proponent of the culture of life and the foremost critic of the Canadian bishops' 1968 Winnipeg Statement. Through his experience as a parish priest and as the former head of Toronto's archdiocesan marriage tribunal, Msgr Foy has seen over and over again how contraception contributes to the breakdown of marriages. We wish all couples could hear what we learned about contraception during our marriage prep classes.

Last Wednesday was also the 65th anniversary of the ordination of Fr John Harvey, the founder of Courage--and the feast day of the Ugandan martyrs, who are Courage's patron saints. Msgr Foy is apparently a big fan of Fr Harvey, and we're fans of both.

Such are my scattered thoughts at the moment.